Day Three: St. Robert, MO to Amarillo, TX

I lied about Missouri. It is not cool, not even a little bit. Missouri is kind of terrible, but it’s the kind of terrible that knows it’s terrible. To make up for its terribleness, it tries to trick those coming into Missouri into thinking that it’s kind of awesome.

How? Well, last night it was 62 degrees. How wonderful is that? Especially after Ohio. Missouri knew I needed nice weather, so it gave it to me. The roads were open and kind of wonderful, there was hockey on the radio, I received an extra hour and to top it off, there was a Wal Mart next to the hotel. It seemed like a pretty good deal.

But looking back on it, the hockey game was probably the most boring game ever, there was the tornado siren blaring through the town, and then when I woke up it was cold as hell again. Did Missouri forget that it was trying to court me? Or did it assume that after our short soirée that we were already in a relationship, so that it could stop doing all of the extra stuff and could just begin taking me for granted?

Needless to say, we are not together, Missouri. My once formed opinion of you has been reshaped, and I no longer care for you Missouri.

We are through.

Anyway.

Everyone slept in late again. We didn’t get out of the hotel and back on the road until around 12:30-1:00pm. Kyle Lemma had to hit up Wal Mart and put a new tire on the boat trailer. We had to walk the dogs and what not. Chris drove with Mike, and Kyle drove with my mom again.

I went ahead by myself. I thought about becoming a part of the convoy today, but I just like driving fast too much. Most of the times on these highways 75-80mph feels too slow, so there is no way that I could stay sane going 55-60. It just doesn’t feel right. These roads are too open. They demand some sense of speed.

It is kind of hard to will myself to read signs in these states, but I have to do something while I am driving to keep me going. Every sign reads, “Jesus this” or “Jesus that”. It gets kind of old, but I’m glad that I did pay attention because while driving through Missouri I saw a sign that said, “George Washington Carver Memorial”.

In case you don’t know who that is (somehow), he’s the man that invented peanut butter, and in case you don’t know, peanut butter is the only reason that I have made it this far. I eat it for breakfast every single day. No exaggeration. Sometimes I wonder which George Washington had a bigger impact on my life, the man who “founded” the United States or the man who invented peanut butter. If pressed for an answer, I think I’d have to go with Carvs.

I was already about an hour ahead of everyone else, so I figured, why not visit? I went to the memorial and it was probably the scariest set of roads that I have ever experienced, ever. It was terrible. It wasn’t two cars wide, but it was a two way “highway”. I’m using quotation marks because it was only high half the time. You see, it was like a goddamn roller coaster. It went up at a 75 degree angle, and then straight back down. I couldn’t see anything but the bulls and cows in the pasture. I felt like I was in for a surprise every time I neared the top of the hill.

The memorial itself was incredibly nice. It was probably the most shocking thing ever (mostly because I wasn’t going there to see anything for real). I just wanted a picture with Carvs so I could get back on the road. But if you’re into history, or into Carvs, I definitely suggest checking it out. Everything inside of the building is pristine.

I have no idea how it got there though because everything else around there kind of sucks.

After Missouri came Oklahoma. Oklahoma was okay. There really wasn’t anything special. There was a cool McDonald’s at a rest stop that overlooked the highway (and it had popcorn chicken. How wonderful is that?)

Oh, Oklahoma was nice because it had cheap gas too, but yeah, that’s all I remember about it really.

Next came Texas.

I’ll say this as nicely as possible.

Texas sucks.

I know it sounds like I think everything and everywhere sucks, but seriously, it does. So far, Texas is by far the worst state to drive through. There is nothing here. From the moment I saw the “Welcome to Texas” sign until I arrived in Amarillo, there was nothing but darkness, and its when there is so much darkness that lights start to play tricks on your eyes.

Maybe it’s just me, but while driving at night, lights help me make sense of the road and what’s around me. I can gain a sense of where I am by seeing the lights below in the streets, the lights in front of me from the cars and the lights above me from the light posts. However, when there are no lights below you (or around you, or anywhere for that matter), it makes things much more difficult.

Staring ahead, you can see the lights ahead of you (and the reflections on the pavement), but that’s it. In the distance you can see red glow from brake lights on roads that don’t exist (or that you can’t see) and it kind of skews your perception of where you are driving.

I saw brake lights to the far left and noticed that the road was turning right. I don’t know if I am describing this right, or if maybe I’m the only one that uses lights to make sense of what’s in front of me, but it sucks, especially when there is nothing around for what seems like forever.

I was driving for about a hundred miles when I noticed I was running low on gas, so I pulled over to the first place I saw in the entire state that had gas. It was a tiny, run down gas station with a store that was closed before 10pm. I don’t even understand how that makes sense, but whatever.

The pump was quite probably the oldest artifact in the state of Texas. I pumped gas for three and a half minutes and it had not even pumped an entire gallon. Needless to say, eff that. I just left and hoped for a close gas station.

Fortunately, I found one and everything was okay. I made it to Amarillo and to the hotel (even though it was entirely too confusing trying to navigate these tiny little Texan roads).

To further the terribleness of Texas, the internet in my hotel is out. Yes, I am blaming Texas for this, even though I should be blaming the Red Roof Inn, but hell, why not just blame Texas?

Oh, also, I thought Texas was supposed to be warm? Call it ignorance, but I honestly did not expect to be freezing my ass off still. Sure, I know it gets colder at night everywhere, but I was not expecting to deal with sub 20 degree weather here.

I want to be warm goddamnit.

But the night did end on a good note, one of the best South Park episodes ever is on TV, the Underwear Gnomes.

Here’s to hoping we reach Arizona today!