Choose Your Next Move Carefully, Michael Bay.

Let me preface this by saying that I know that Michael Bay does not care about my personal opinion. I know he isn’t going to read this blog and tweet, “Oh yeah, @theGreat_Puzzle thinks I only know how to ‘splode things, but he only know hows to rant. Rabble, rabble, rabble! Watch this! *Dives into Scrooge McDuck vault of gold coins.” And not just because it’s 42 characters over the 140 maximum, but because it really doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. People are still going to flock to his movies and people are still going to pay the $47.50 to see them in 3D.

Before today I would never say that I hated Michael Bay. Don’t get me wrong, I never liked him. Far from it actually, but I would never associate him with the word hate. Not because it’s too strong of a word, because if you know anything about me, I hate most things. But perhaps I was being easy on him because he brought Megan Fox to the lime light. Actually, that has to be it, because other than that single reason, I can not imagine why I wouldn’t hate him.

I mean, we’re talking about a guy that took a franchise about giant robots that turn into cars, and various other forms of technology and constantly destroy each other into a story about that little kid from Even Stevens. How? How do you do that? I didn’t even know that was possible. And when I say giant robots, it’s not like I mean “Real Steel” robots that are slightly taller than Hugh Jackman, and by destroy each other, I don’t mean they punch each other until one of their heads pops up and you have to push it back down to initiate the next fight. I’m talking about giant robots the size of row homes, some so large that they can crush pyramids, or devour planets. I’m talking about something that Michael Bay should have been good at for once. Something that is ‘splosion centered, because let’s face it, that’s the only word he knows when he walks into the writer’s room.

I feel like when he sits down with his writers, they’re like, “Okay Michael, so we started fleshing out this one scene. We’re thinking that we’re going to have Megan Fox in like nothing, and then she’s going to do this thing where she’s next to a pool wearing even less, but we’re hitting a road block. What do you think we should do with it?” And then he just says, “Well, we could add a building, and then have this really big explosion that takes out the building behind her, and she could fly forward, avoiding it, like she wasn’t that close enough to it to have any long term effects, even though she was, but trust me. She won’t have any hearing problems from a ‘splosion of that magnitude, and her skin won’t be seared off by the heat wave that follows it. I mean, of course we’ll throw a layer of dust on her to make it realistic, but that’s the only damage that she’d sustain, and then after that, another explosion will happen in the background, but the Even Stevens kid will run through it, because he’s a bad ass, and awesome.” And somehow he always adjourns those meetings the same way, “Man I loved that show, Even Stevens. The only thing that would have made it better is if that little kid that loved bacon, loved explosions instead.”

I know what you’re thinking, where is this going? What does his love for ‘splosions have to do with you hating him? And why now? The last Transformers movie came out last year, and it wasn’t that bad, right? So, why has his status changed from a yellow-orange to a crimson on the NHS? (The National Hate Scale)

The answer is simple, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For dramatic effect, please read this again.

Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles.

I know what you’re thinking, Jason, you must have stuttered or went brain dead in the middle of that last reiteration because what you said is just stupid. They’re not aliens. They were turtles that fell into the sewer and were mutated into crime fighting ninjas only after coming into contact with neon green ooze, and being trained by a Japanese rat that is hell bent on taking out the man who killed his own mentor (in some versions, anyway). So, why would you say aliens? That’s just dumb. That’s what I thought too. I thought I must have made a mistake. It must have been in my subconscious because I was talking about Transformers, or thinking about that awesome ending to that last Indiana Jones movie. My mind must have been elsewhere, because the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are mutants, not aliens, right?

Not anymore.

When talking about the reboot of the Ninja Turtle franchise, here’s what Michael Bay had to say:

“When you see this movie, kids will believe one day that these turtles do exist, when we’re done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely lovable.” – Michael Bay

… Okay. I don’t even have anything else to say, because I don’t have to. I think that we can all agree, to agree here that the world is ending. That Michael Bay knows something we don’t, like maybe that at the end of the Mayan Calendar that we’re going to be invaded by alien turtles, and this is the way of warning us, but don’t worry, they’re going to be totally tough and edgy and funny and completely lovable.

Kids will adore them.

… well I’m glad you think that Michael. I’m glad you think that. Because I’m done here. I’m going to astronaut school, or winning the lottery, or doing something drastic to escape whatever is left of mankind, because I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. First, Firefly gets canceled by Fox, then the Dragonball movie comes out and they call Piccolo, “Peekolo”, then Lost ends, then Wonka’s Oompa Loompa’s escape and make television history by living in Seaside Heights, then instead of making new movies, or even rebooting old franchises, director’s have somehow managed to get even lazier by re-releasing old films again in 3D without changing anything besides the subtitles, and now this.

It’s just too much.

It’s too much for any single specimen to deal with.

But since me flying away in a lonely little escape pod is far from being even remotely possible, I think that at the very least we should try to reach out to Michael Bay and explain to him that the Ninja Turtles are mutants, not aliens, and that if he manages to mess this up any worse than Stuart Gillard messed up the third film, that he’s going to have hell to pay, or just a lot of investors, because no no one will see it, and it will flop harder than John Carter and the Prince of Persia combined.

So, choose your next move carefully, Mr. Bay.

Very carefully.